Keep dreaming, it's the only way to go

I feel my life's like an arranged marriage...In a good way though. I married a native Indian, and it was a so-called "love marriage". But everything else in my life seems so "arranged". By that I mean every decision made seemed to be based on first impressions instead of long-term planning. I chose my uni course based on a simple attraction to natural health. I didn't consider the workload, the ulu-ness of NTU, the prospects of becoming a TCM physician, or other job prospects for that matter. There weren't many choices of uni anyway. It was either NUS or NTU, or an overseas uni. I knew if I were to go overseas, I would be doing veterinary medicine. But since the overseas universities didn't want me, I narrowed down my choices to the local Us. I don't even remember if I had any 2nd or 3rd choices. I know I submitted an NUS USP application, but they gave me a conditional offer. The TCM course in NTU gave me an unconditional offer, so I took it up. ...

Been feeling quite a bit of a "quarter-life crisis" lately so I'm here to regurgitate/purge my emotions. It's really a good form of treatment man. People need to pen down their depressive or stressful thoughts more often, like get it out of their system and issues honestly feel much smaller when they're put into words/made tangible instead of just floating around in our minds. Our minds can be as huge as the universe, and it's so powerful that it magnifies our issues by a gazillion times. So like a lot of other humans, I too compare myself to others. It's unavoidable. At age 28, I see others who are about my age and have their stuff nicely organized. I'm talking about their homes, their kitchens, their ig profiles, their businesses, their journals etc. But I feel so lacking in these aspects. I sort of have a good enough eye for aesthetics, but I can't really create. It's easy to say oh this is nice that is nice, but to actually make or put toge...

I love this stage of life that I'm at currently. Sort of working a little, but mainly staying at home, cooking and taking care of my 4 week old, watching him grow and learning more about him, and playing music and talking to him because it's good for his brain development. On the side I'm also watching educational videos (that may or may not help with my work - includes Russia/Ukraine conflict), doing some admin for Elemit Yoga, and doing my part-time studies, and also some miscellaneous stuff. Yes it's quite a lot, but today I'm feeling kinda unproductive due to procrastination. I had been putting off my assignment for 2 days, and even though I completed it today, I did so only at 2+am. And for some reason I am still not sleeping since I'm writing this. Sleep is important to me and I feel quite bummed that I'm not sleeping on time today because I delayed the completion of my assignment. The procrastination delays everything. Tomorrow is going to start later...

 I've been having trouble waking up and getting through my days recently, so much so that I felt today I must really pen my thoughts down because in the past when I felt demoralised or demotivated, writing all that crap down really helps me put things in perspective. Like when it's all still in your head, the issues in your life seem humongous, but once it's in ink, everything just seems smaller and more manageable. I think it's a cumulation of events that lead up to me feeling like this, but it started off with my eczema flaring up on both index fingers. I haven't had to deal with eczema for a long time because I have been rather careful with my diet. Every time when I realise that I'm eating more junk, I quickly cut down and spam smoothies and anti-inflammatory foods. Sometimes I don't get flare ups when I do this, sometimes I get minor flares. But for some reason this time the bubbles on my fingers were just not calming down as fast as I would like them t...

Disclaimer: I do not need any help or comfort, I'm just here to rant and get the negativity out of my system. Usually I don't write much when I'm happy so whenever I write, it's either I'm sad, nervous or pissed about something. So it seems like I'm always gloomy or pissed, but no I'm not. Life is pretty great overall. But everyone has their ups and downs and it just so happens I write my down times in order to feel better. Because when the events are trapped in my head it just seems worse than it really is. So writing makes things seem less bad, and that's how I cope. Also I don't like to take ppl's advice for my personal things, because there are always parts that people don't know and it makes them biased.  So I'm sitting at an empty coffee shop writing this because I ran out of data and somehow this place has WiFi. Why am I here? Because I can't stand being at home with someone who is so negative and not understanding. Why is it w...

Just had to do an update today because I gave my first talk yesterday at Mandarin Oriental hotel! It was just for 30min and it was sorta like an interview because I think the organizers got a few physicians in to take a look at our content before choosing one of us for the actual thing. Surprisingly I wasn't nervous, maybe because it was just for such a small group of people, maybe 6 or 7 in total. But I have a feeling I won't get chosen since I overheard them saying it was too much content and they really liked the first physician. Which makes me really curious to know what that physician talked about cuz I wanna know how she gave her talk. I heard them say mine was more fun tho. And also I cleared up some misconceptions such as how mango isn't heaty but is drying.  For me I think I spoke a little too fast since I only had 30min to go through so much content. And also yeah I naturally speak pretty fast. Also my transitions were pretty abrupt so I gotta work on that. I kept...

So I did this 4-day claw machine job and thought how funny life is. We, the employees who placed lucky draw prizes in the claw machine, literally had total control over the customers' luck. Not that we care who gets it, but if friends came, we totally could have helped them get the prize they wanted. But of course that's expected. People do that all the time. I actually thought about how similar it is to life. On the first day we placed so many good prizes in the machine. The odds of getting a good prize was more than 50 percent. But at dinner time Management decided we had given out too many good prizes so we had to stop the machines just to take out all the remaining ones. (It was such a hassle lol.) There was literally 0% chance of winning. Yet people were still quite happy when they got a cash voucher, even though it meant they'd have to spend more money. And that's like life, when people in power can change your fate without you even realising it. But maybe i...

I don't think I have the same passion for blogging I used to have years ago, cuz nowadays I just write whatever I want to say on instagram or fb, and those force me to be more concise too. But when there r significant things, I still wanna record them down here. So many things have happened since, here is a list (I'll elaborate later): - A came to visit me in Beijing - I finally asked my teacher to be my mentor for masters programme - I got pyelonephritis ): - petsitting - volunteering at 观心园 1. So A came from 28th Oct - 9th Nov. The plan was to take him to my fav vegan restaurants, but never did I realise that he actually only likes spicy, salty food. PICKY EATER! So we ended up cooking at home a lot. Saved money but I really can't eat stirfried, salty, spicy food for so many meals consecutively! I also planned to take him to my house for dinners so that we could save money, but again that plan went down the drain since we don't eat spicy, salty food at my pla...

So it has come to the time of the year where I blog and do an update of my life. Probably gonna be long since I haven't blogged in forever... It's almost the end of Year 3, I'm just left with FYP, and just waiting for my results. Got the field work FYP I wanted where I get to measure biodiversity which seems really dirty and exciting. Hehe. And I finaaaaalllyyyy watched zootopia and LUVEEEEDDDD it! Today is also kinda the day that marks the end of a period of stress for a little while, cuz I'm done with my Eu Yan Sang interviews! If the results are good mayb I'll put up an update :) If not I need to prep for more interviews! YIKES! And hopefully not cry over it ha. Also recently I've found new perspectives on veganism. Ugh I feel like doing a video post because my keyboard is spoilt. Trying to save too much money that I cant even afford a new lappy. So ANW I came across freelee the banana girl youtube videos and she's bringing back all the stuff I've...

Everytime during exams it feels real chill despite it being the supposed "stress period". Not because I manage my time well but just because CCA stops and there're no lessons so all your time is just focused on studying for the exams. This sem is even MORE chill because I only have 2 final papers (1 mod was internship and another we finished before recess week, and the last one is my ureca mod that I still have to write a report for.) And today I took my last paper so yipee!:) I can't really tell how well I'm gonna do but I think I did all I could already, plus I have so much more passion this sem so if I really do well that would be a nice bonus:) Anw I just wanted to record down some updates from my life, because I think they're worth writing about since I feel quite proud about them. And also there'll be some random other updates that I just thought were interesting to me. 1. So first thing is YAYYY I'm gonna be working at Brownice this summer! ...

Haha I think I only named this post that because people do talk about finding themselves. I don't think I ever felt lost, or more of I never felt the need to know who I was (like it never occurred to me as a problem of not having an identity), but because the recent events have made me realise what the kind of person I am so I just wanna write a little bit about it. I'm vegan. And recently JDC'15 got postponed due to MM's passing. 2 really different things. But they made me realise I don't accept the fact that sometimes we "cannot change anything". So many people keep telling me, ahh wells no choice anyway / chill la there's nothing we can do about it anyway. And it really just pisses me off. Because I really hate it when ppl just resign to fate, especially when there's just that little bit of hope that things could be changed. You are only where you are because of yourself. Stop being so selfish to put the blame on everything else but yo...

Crow in our Christmas Wonderland @MBS nutcracker outfits. Haha this was for our fundraising event for Propulsion. And it also marks the only time that I will be doing/completing a yoga challenge (#justbepresent)- Okay we will see how, like whether I will ever take up another challenge...But omg it was so tedious. NEED A BREAK. Trying out a new sport for this year's IHG Sports I'm playing this year for Hall 13: 1. Volleyball (duh) 2. Basketball (losing my toenails again- sigh why is my shooting so lousy) 3. Squash (IT HASN'T EVEN STARTED. Ok at least I've managed to find the correct feel when whacking the ball:)) 4. Tennis :) 5. Track (sigh do I really have to do this. sigh sigh sigh. 400m is really badddd) 6. Hockey 7. Table tennis Currently still in the fight for all games hahahha:) (except for hockey lol I just remembered) After Propulsion rehearsal, tilt tuesday! Really hoping for this production to go well. I see so muc...

Wow omg a year really passes so quickly. Did pretty okay for this sem despite being super stressed about so many things. GPA maintained so OKIE:) But I really wanted to do better for my biomed mods but ah well. Anw this is the highlight of the year: Sang at MOA's bar with my band :) I really really need to work on my audience interaction skills haha. Felt a little nauseous at the end probably because of the cigarette smoke and cuz I felt kinda inappropriate since I didn't know how to talk to the audience. But I shall learn along the way! Just gotta keep pushing myself out of my comfort zone. I actually made so many mistakes even though I wasn't nervous. But the people there were really nice and encouraging. And the audience sang along to "let it be" haha. Our set lists: Set 1 1. Secrets 2. Blankspace 3. How deep is your love 4. To make you feel my love 5. Crushcrushcrush 6. The mother we share 7. Toxic 8. Still into you Set 2 ...

Some days just feel kinda bad, and today's one of those days. Just feel a little bit of a failure for not being able to achieve as much as I dreamt of achieving. I guess watching those gym vids just made me a little regretful that I never managed to reach a satisfying standard for myself. But then again at that time I knew I was lucky to have met a good coach who taught me things that I thought I never would have dared to do. So it's really all in my head. I think I really loved gym. Just that I was really afraid of hurting myself... And I'm gonna restrain myself from writing about more depressing stuff. haha. It's really a bad trait that I have, this "thinking too much"-ness...I learnt the hard way after that big quarrel with my friend. Gotta count my blessings:) Super into chvrches these days:) Ma fav song is Lies. Teehee lead singer of Chvrches. I wanna be like herrrrr~ To have confidence and to have a mind of my own. I prefer li...

I've been trying to chill the whole of this break but as the sch term looms nearer I'm alr starting to get busy:/ But at least I've caught up with some of my friends:) (Happy b'dae T!) Caught a few movies w J as well but no pics XP (Edge of Tmr was quite funny:D) And watched quite a few dance productions- some were really inspiring. Found Real Food. Having band outings. Oh and I went to watch my tutee F play vb as well^^ Need more 杀气! A really bad photo but I was lazy to edit. Also been preparing for Triple Bill and just dancing and canvassing (seen really weird stuff while banquet waitress-ing). Learning to cope with things I hate too...Losing some friends as well...sigh. TTFN!

Fright night? Hahahaha. The dark ain't that scary...(a little draggy I feel..) I'm scared of losing my friend. I think I've already lost you...like how the rest have come and gone. The closest ppl hurt you the most. Because you've already shown them your most vulnerable side. Was it just wrong judgement? (Seems like it was, because of all those lies- and yet I clung on.) You know what? It takes two hands to clap. You should have known better than to do that. And I guess I shouldn't have let it happen. My fault. (Long) P.S. I don't like myself to be so emo. I'm not emo. Just that I only write when I'm emo. So it seems like I'm always emo. But I am not emo. Haha. Happiness is just accentuated by those emo stuff maybe? Treasure your happiness. P.S.S. Results out in 2 days ZOMGGGG!!! TTFN.

Am I bipolar or what haha I can get so depressed some days and be perfectly happy with myself another. Anw dance ytd was much better and I could keep up, maybe because there were fewer steps as well. It's so hard to dance. Even though you have to strive for perfection in other sports or arts, for me dance takes so much more out of me. There are so many more details, and sometimes you just don't know how to get everything right. Compared to sports like volleyball, you are allowed much less room to make mistakes. Compared to playing the violin, you have to use so much more energy. And maybe because in dance it's about expression as well...I'm working on it :) Never give up. Especially if you know you really wanna do something. TTFN :)

It's been pretty scary, how time just flies by...So many things seemed to have happened and I feel like I've grown more than just a year older. (hopefully not physically hahaha) Actually finals finished for me on the 5th of May, Monday. I can't really tell how I did, just that I know that's all I could give and I've learnt stuff out of my mods. Hope for the best and may the bell curve be kind. So now it's time to get on with life, what with triple bill and catching up on my magazine and book readings! And then there's committee stuff too. Kinda scared but starting on it makes me excited too. I hope we will be a close-knit and dedicated team :') And then I have no idea why I agreed to cynosure as well but haha let's just have as many experiences as we can while we're still in Uni, where we can make mistakes and all. Uni. Where we make or discover those life-long friends. I've been spamming my friends with this: I really love t...