Sometimes I do wonder, where do I go in life?

I'm almost 18weeks and I think my hormones are making me sorta crazy? Like one day I can be feeling like I'm wasting my life away and crying myself to sleep, and then when I wake up I feel fine lol. But I've been feeling quite a bit of ups and downs internally for the past 1 month or so and I keep thinking it's due to the limbo I've been in while waiting for the results of an award I had applied for, as well as the stress from organising a major international conference. Maybe the hormones just amplify these emotions? I'm not entirely sure but the mood swing is pretty drastic.


I guess there will be times in life we just feel we made the wrong decisions and we are not where we are supposed to be? It's weird because I do see what I have in life - the most loving, understanding and lovable boy and a 2nd on the way, a flexible job, a roof over my head that's in such a centralised location, no debts to worry about hence being able to quit whenever I want - but somehow I still feel like I'm just not fulfilled in life. Like wth is wrong with me?!


It's not like I'm comparing myself to other people on social media that's causing me to feel shi**y. I don't want to be like them. I don't like make-up (well I like looking at good-looking people but my skin just does not feel happy with make up and I don't like the cleansing process), I don't like consumerism and I don't want to deal with the spotlight (not that it's so easy to get in it but just no thanks). Maybe I just feel lonely sometimes. There are things I wanna talk and discuss about life and perspectives, but it feels like I am lacking in that aspect. I want to go for fitness classes, I want to learn calligraphy, I want to play drums and maybe even perform a bit, I want to bake, I want to eat at vegan cafes and find yummy food, but at this point in life I just feel like I cannot do any of these things properly and regularly, and there is nothing enabling me to kick-start these hobbies.


A few weeks ago I had even contemplated just quitting my job so that I could get away from things that irritate or frustrate me, and just pursue the things that I've been putting on hold. I even decided that God would give me a sign using the results of the award to let me know whether I should still continue on the same path. The results were estimated to come out in end Nov but so far there hasn't been any news. And then the conference happened and everything went pretty smoothly and we didn't even make a loss, PLUS just nice we should be organising next year's 1000 pax event so it seemed like God wanted me to stay and continue. There's even going to be an additional batch of English students every 2 years so how could I just leave? And now I'm also part of a statutory board committee, which is tied to my work as well.


Writing always makes me feel much more clear-headed. I guess I know better now what the next steps should be...


TTFN!<3

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