I think I'm kinda depressed

 I've been having trouble waking up and getting through my days recently, so much so that I felt today I must really pen my thoughts down because in the past when I felt demoralised or demotivated, writing all that crap down really helps me put things in perspective. Like when it's all still in your head, the issues in your life seem humongous, but once it's in ink, everything just seems smaller and more manageable.

I think it's a cumulation of events that lead up to me feeling like this, but it started off with my eczema flaring up on both index fingers. I haven't had to deal with eczema for a long time because I have been rather careful with my diet. Every time when I realise that I'm eating more junk, I quickly cut down and spam smoothies and anti-inflammatory foods. Sometimes I don't get flare ups when I do this, sometimes I get minor flares. But for some reason this time the bubbles on my fingers were just not calming down as fast as I would like them to. I guess some people who suffer from eczema won't agree that mine is serious, because it wasn't bad enough for me to get steroid creams, but personally I know when the rashes are taking longer than normal to heal. And then I had diarrhea one day. So that was really a sign of how much dampness I had in my body and I was getting a little frustrated why my body couldn't get back in balance.

But really I don't have anyone to blame for this because even though I knew my body wasn't in the best state, I still had cravings for so-called "tasty" food. I was just sick of the usual foods that we kept eating at home. I kept wanting to order in and eat fried stuff. And I did. So you know when you do something you're not supposed to but end up still doing it...it just made me feel like a failure. Plus I was somehow sleeping really late. (I know how that bad habit creeped back in, but I will get into that later...)

So now my eczema is still around, but it's really getting a lot better and there aren't new bubbles popping up. But other things came along to make things more complicated. Of course, it has to do with work (cuz I spend most of my waking hours working lol.) Recently there has been quite a few clients coming in, and I usually don't mind it but this time they are asking for so many customizations. And really I don't mind customizations, but after I give them my ideas, they reply with another solution, which I felt they could have just given me if they already had something in mind. Especially when I spent time to go search for specific items but they end up rejecting it completely. I could have saved the time if they had just given me what they had in mind already. And I also wouldn't need to deal with the rejection lol.

So that's part of the admin work I have to do, and I also have to teach. Teaching hasn't been going exceptionally well either. I just finished teaching one class in April and I was actually quite happy teaching them because majority of the students were a happy and respectful bunch. Many gave gifts of thanks and some wanted to have a meal after the exams (but of course we can't due to phase 2 heightened alert). But we also collect feedback from the students and 2 students gave me poor feedback. In fact they said they felt like they didn't learn much from the module. 1 said I didn't give many clinical examples but dude I gave so many...1 said I focused too much on exams but dude I only spent 5% of the time talking about exams...And the points in exams were quite useful in real life as well. Anyway this didn't really get me down at the start because I know in a large class of about 60, there is bound to be people who dislike you. And it was also my first time so I was fine with it. But I am human and of course I still feel a little salty because there was one student who kept asking questions (and sometimes they were rather ridiculous, like she would say after she listened to my class she wouldn't dare to use certain herbs because of the contraindications in my notes; which were actually from the textbook; but I also explained in class where that contraindication came from and why we didn't have to be so fearful of them. A lot of the other students also understood what I meant because they could answer my questions.) and I would answer the questions as well and in depth, but she was never appreciative. But I really am not too bothered by this because I can understand how her behaviour also affected the people around her, so I kinda pity her and her family's plight...but even though this was not a huge issue, overall I think it just added to the emotional burden I am having.

The main burden I have right now is that I am teaching 3 classes currently (2 have started and 1 more in the next few days). And I am just very bored from teaching these 2 current classes. I just do not see how I can make my classes more interesting. Perhaps I feel like I'm teaching them for nothing. Most of them won't use the knowledge- they aren't going to become physicians. I asked if any of them tried out some of the formulas at home, only 1 person raised her hand. Honestly I feel kinda sad that they didn't feel inspired to try the herbs being taught. Like we spend so much time preparing for classes, spend so much effort teaching but the students don't try the herbs...I feel like my energy is wasted and I kinda lose my purpose. And I also question my teaching. Obviously I'm not a great teacher, but I also feel quite lost as to how to make my classes better. Right now I'm also reading off the slides quite a bit but after doing so of course I elaborate. If I skip anything on the slides, there will always be one student who asks what it means even if it were something that's quite obvious. And then after class I will hear remarks like they want a flow chart or a summary slide. I guess I will just let students give me the poor feedback because I am quite stubborn so I refuse to give them summary slides and flow charts since I feel these are supposed to be done by the students themselves. I don't spoon feed. But right now because of the attitudes of students I feel rather unmotivated to teach. Honestly at this point in time I feel like quitting my job because teaching large groups is really not my true calling. I kinda hate teaching at this point in time. It is mundane and freaking unrewarding.

But I really notice that I am overly focused on the negative aspects, because I do get remarks like "thank you for the amazing class" etc etc. But somehow it doesn't motivate me. Maybe internally I know that I'm not teaching that well so no matter what others say I will just conclude that I did not teach well. And of course it's good if I accept that I have flaws, because one must recognize a flaw before being able to correct it. However the problem I have now is that I have no clue as to how to improve my teaching. Nothing online is inspiring to me anymore. Is this a sign of depression?

Because of poor feedback, I had been reminded of the CPR/AED course last year, where the teaching was just meh but the feedback was exceptionally good. It just didn't make sense to me.

And then last Sunday we had a panel discussion and even though I learnt some things, it was really rather on the surface so I felt quite unrewarded after the session, and ended up sleeping away the rest of the afternoon. The feedback were mixed, some enjoyed it, some did not.

I also feel quite disrespected by some of the older students/talk participants. It's like because I am young, the words I say don't carry much weight. So sometimes the older students/participants just say anything they want to me. And I really don't like it but I don't know how to deal with it. Of course respect is earned, but some people just don't respect younger people.

Lastly the other issue that compounded my emotional turmoil was my external course. The freaking lecturer refused to review my scores (because it's peer reviewed and some peers are just stingy with their marks) and it's super unfair because other classes get really awesome lecturers that give As so readily. I'm okay with not getting an A, but I'm NOT okay with the unfairness. It's annoying. And this was also the cause of my late nights because the assignments were so lengthy and majority of my group mates were literally useless. Like who on earth uses a screenshot of a definition for powerpoint slides??? So I had to do most of the group project and the lecturer still gave us such low marks. Ugh. So much for all those late nighters.

So what have I done to curb this emotional depression? I found a meditation soundtrack from sacred acoustics and I felt it really did help me feel more at peace. But when the next day came, the heaviness and the lack of motivation just sets in once again. I probably need to start hunting for a new job or just focus on Elemit Yoga. I know the cause of stress is work, but am I ready to just be a wuss and give it all up? Maybe not...But I need to find a new method of teaching that inspires myself as well.