My life balance in %

 I just finished teaching my first Chinese module, the module which I got kicked out of the first time round after 4 lessons. So having unlocked an accomplishment, naturally I've been feeling reflective these few days. Also because a load has been lifted off my shoulders for the time being, so I've got a little more time to spend writing. 

I have been thinking about life and my purpose recently. I don't think I ever aspired to be a teacher. There are times when I come back from work feeling sad because I know I didn't teach well. I don't speak like a leader. My voice is too low and not animated enough. But this class made me feel really appreciated. But I always wonder if this appreciation is what I want in life? 

I love performing, yet I'm not flamboyant or attention-loving like the personalities online or on TV. I always wonder why I yearn to show off what I can do, yet don't really embrace praises. (Lol this makes me sound so arrogant. I meant, in the past when I got praised, I never felt like wow I can do something well, or hey this feels good. It was more like oh okay. Or sometimes I just want to hide in a hole. Which I feel is quite different from what others feel because the people whom I know or know of are super appreciative of their fans etc. But I just feel very fake showing this appreciation because somehow I don't feed off appreciation from others. It's kinda hard to explain without sounding like an a**hole.) Don't get me wrong though, I do love praises, but the irony or paradox of it is somehow I don't feel my life is meant to be for doing certain things and being praised for them. It's not a measurement that I use for determining my contribution to this earth. 

I love learning. The preparation for classes can get really tedious, but I love the feeling of enlightenment when I figure out smth that had once boggled my mind. Perhaps when we take, we have to give as well. Which is why I had been tasked by God to teach and pass on what I know even though I never felt like I could be a teacher. 

And then there's the part of me that really enjoys doing math and looking at the stock market. Sometimes I do get pre-occupied with the thought of earning 3k passive income a month. And it sort of consumes me because I temporarily forget that there are other things that are more worth doing than just earning enough and investing enough to reach that financial goal.  I mean, wanting to earn passive income stemmed from the desire to not work and have free time to do what I want when I want. But the thing is, if I wait till I'm 40 then my body wouldn't be able to do the things I want as easily anymore. So I can't let this financial goal hinder my other pursuits. 

It is a balance that I haven't quite figured out yet. I want to do brain work, but I also want to do creative work, and I also have some physical goals that I am extremely far from because of the proportion of time I spend on brain work. And on top of that, I want to take care of my family and cats and plants. And of course myself. 24h is way too little. When people tell me they only want to live till 60 or 70 or even 80, I secretly wish they could give me those extra years because I feel that the time I have on this earth is too little for me to do all that I want. (Well at least I don't have the desire to travel the world, cuz that would take an even longer time haha.) 

My current balance:

50% brain work (which includes studying and prepping for classes, investing, random learning along the way etc) 

10% art (Simply TCM, Elemit yoga and home decor) 

5% physical activities

20% taking care of family and my pets and plants

5% friends

10% random wasting of time

I'm hoping to change it into something more like this:

35% brain work

15% art

15% physical activities

25% taking care of family etc

5% friends

5% random wasting of time

Sorry friends, I feel I spend quite enough time with you because we still hang out on holidays, go for weddings or chat on WhatsApp etc. And we take turns hanging out meaning I might see many friends in one year but probably each friend only once or twice a year haha. It also helps that my closest friends are in the same industry so it's easy to stay close. I'm not exactly a good friend. One of my closest sec sch friends reminded me that I once told her "You are the person that made me feel the importance of friends" or smth along the lines. (Even this friend was not close because of my actions, rather this friend made an effort to stay close to me, and I think I only reciprocated a lot later.) Before that I never really cared if I had friends or not. They were all more of acquaintances. Can talk and be happy with, but not people whom I'd pour my feelings with. I think whenever I am upset or emotive I pour it out in writing. But in JC and uni I did have very close male friends, so sometimes I feel it's perhaps I have more testosterone in my body so being in a girls' school didn't help with building my emotional support group haha.

Okay so that's all for now for my reflective regurgitation. It's kinda all in a mess but it reflects my thoughts and how they lead from one to the other. I really like the percentage depiction of my time spent. Haha that's my left brain working perhaps. 

TTFN