Upset and Ranty

Disclaimer: I do not need any help or comfort, I'm just here to rant and get the negativity out of my system. Usually I don't write much when I'm happy so whenever I write, it's either I'm sad, nervous or pissed about something. So it seems like I'm always gloomy or pissed, but no I'm not. Life is pretty great overall. But everyone has their ups and downs and it just so happens I write my down times in order to feel better. Because when the events are trapped in my head it just seems worse than it really is. So writing makes things seem less bad, and that's how I cope. Also I don't like to take ppl's advice for my personal things, because there are always parts that people don't know and it makes them biased. 

So I'm sitting at an empty coffee shop writing this because I ran out of data and somehow this place has WiFi. Why am I here? Because I can't stand being at home with someone who is so negative and not understanding. Why is it we always have to argue when we cook together? Especially when I just came back from a full day of work and even walked 1km to buy groceries (they weren't light, and neither was my bag). And it makes things worse because the expectation was to have a nice candlelight dinner with some drinks. 

Why is it okay if he sits inside the room while I knead the dough, yet he expects me to be the perfect assistant when he's about to fry the food? Why do we have to argue when I can't get everything he needed? Why can't he take it himself? Why do I have to be perfect especially when I'm already half-brainfried?

To be fair, it's his rest day. But I had already said what our priorities are. Food will be his responsibility. But somehow making food is such a huge responsibility that it limits his ability to do other housework. When do I get my rest day? When do I get to do the things I want to do? Why do I have to work work work even when I chose a lower paying job for the sake of not having to work so much? Why am I working so much at home even when we had already split the priorities and responsibilities? 

The most annoying thing was, I asked if we should eat outside. Why do we have to fight for the same thing again and again? 

I hate arguments that can be solved with a bit of money. I also hate unnecessary arguments. 

Just before this fight, he told me the newly laid kitchen floor tiles weren't nice. Why on earth would you make the both of us upset, when you could have chosen different tiles when we were both at the tile shop? And what is the use of saying that the tiles are bad, when we can't even change it now? I really hate unnecessary negativity. I can't keep hearing this over and over again.

I don't want to hear crap and cursing (I didn't even curse during our argument today) about things that can't be changed, things that could have been changed earlier. 

So I'm here at the empty coffee shop. Sometimes I feel glad I have work, otherwise I have to face negativity for at least half a day. At the moment, I'd rather run away than face you. Because you don't listen. You don't understand. I really don't want to cry because I don't want to show my swollen eyes at work, but still I cry. It's not easy keeping everything in, especially when we have mutual respect and don't want to talk sh*t about each other to our friends.

Is it normal to think of divorce at times? I don't regret anything, I can't imagine living without u, but sometimes it gets really tough, and I just wait for you to find me and get me back every time I run away for a breather. 

TTFN