When it comes to that one person (Part 1)
Gender. I've actually repeatedly thought about this topic for several years. Not because I'm confused about my own gender. Not because it's a huge issue in my life. But because it's a concept that intrigues me. Like a song that you like for no reason. It's just a song that you like. It somehow matches your frequency. It suits your personality. There are just things that happen for reasons that aren't so scientific. Well I guess you could analyse things like these, but from the personal point of view, there is no motive.
Let's start from the very beginning. When I was 17 or 18, a classmate asked me, "Do you think gender is a social construct or inborn?" At that time, my mind worked in very straightforward, rigid ways. By that time I think I had read a Nature article on homosexuality and chromosomes. Apparently they found differences in the chromosomes of homosexuals and heterosexuals. Of course gay people were born gay and straight people were born straight, I thought. Also I wasn't raised particularly girly; I was allowed to love blue, play with Lego and not wear dresses. I had really short hair till I was 12. And I ran faster than most of the boys in primary school. Yet I still identified as a straight female. So obviously I said "inborn" without thinking twice. I was in the triple science class, my strongest subjects were mathematics and physics. But I was not a cold-hearted person; it was the year I turned vegan, it was the period when I was trying my best for the General Paper and learning more about the world and its issues. When I look back on that time of my life, it was the time when the most things were happening in my life. Three physically competitive CCAs, my OG mates somehow convinced me to participate in Odyssey of the Mind (it was not glorious), and I was juggling my 12AU subject combination. Things just came one right after the other. And that was just how my mind worked as well. It was a single track railway, going from this station to the next, focussing on one thing before moving to the next. Also one important thing to note, I'm a very stubborn person. Nope I'm not a Taurus, but if I think a certain way, I'd get pretty upset arguing with another person who had a different set of ideologies.
The friend who asked me the question was doing it "survey-style", so no arguments were involved. And because it was "survey-style", I got to learn about what other people thought as well. It might have been because there were differing opinions and I didn't get to argue my stand and try to convince others to have the same point of view as I had, that made me think further on my own regarding this issue.
JC was the time I started hanging out with boys. Even though I came from a girls' school, I knew I was into boys. Come on, I was from a co-ed primary school. But I wasn't a rebellious kid. And I wasn't the rebellious teenager either. I was just too preoccupied with CCAs and school to go out often with friends and all that lol. I know what a crush feels like. I've had my heart beat like crazy and my cheeks feel hot and numb. And it never happened towards girls. I knew so strongly I was straight. But I kept thinking what it felt like to be on the other side. What did it feel like to be gay? I would never know because I am not.
I hung out with boys as friends. Through all the teasing and gossips, we remained friends. Even with boys I openly and embarrassingly shared my feelings with, we remained friends. Maybe through this period I honed the skill of keeping myself and my male friends within the friend zone. Friends studied together, ate together and watched movies together. No, nothing physical. I was quite the conservative prude. Duh, there were no "friends with benefits" going on either haha.
One time when I was hanging out with one of my male friends, we touched on the topic of sexuality. I asked him how he knew he was straight (he was a hunky dude). For me, this concept had been quite vague. What makes us straight or gay or bisexual? If you were to ask a layman, you'd probably get something along the lines of "if you're attracted to the opposite sex, you're straight. If you're attracted to the same sex, it means you're gay. If you're attracted to both it means you're bi." If it really were so simple, how come I'm not attracted to every man I see? What if a girl looked like a man with features I'm attracted to, and I didn't know she was a girl? Does that make me straight or gay or bi? He admitted it wasn't such a simple issue.
Going on to Uni, I hadn't figured it out. It wasn't like I kept thinking about it though. But it was there, just an issue to ponder and not to solve. I was probably more concerned about where I was going with veganism. But hanging out with the boys continued, and I'd have to say it was really nice to have close friends that didn't hurt your feelings. And it was even better when there were intellectual discussions. You know how people vibe off one another? Others won't get it- we were probably so boring to other people. So anyway, during one of our one-on-one dinners, my male friend asked me if I thought gender was a spectrum. My mind hadn't bent that much even though I was already with the contemporary dance group in Uni. Gender to me was Straight or Gay (I was probably toying with this idea at that time- you either liked girls or guys only- and rejected Bisexualism). I didn't get the idea of polyamory, what the heck was pansexualism? If I love something/ someone, I'm gonna use all my energy to love that one thing/ person to bits. What do you mean there's still space for more? If I can't use all my energy then, to me, it's just not love. Says the person who did three CCAs. I was literally being promiscuous with the things I called my passions.
It does explain why I never pursued any of those CCAs further though. They were like those 8-9 year relationships that turned into friendships. Maybe I was just forcing myself to love them or make them my passion. What made things worse was that I was relatively good at them. It's like how some people get comfortable within a relationship. But eventually felt like they weren't progressing.
This morning I watched a video by Anna Akana. It was her coming out video. Sooooo many youtubers had come out of the closet online and it wasn't really something I wanted to watch anymore. But it was Anna. I couldn't help myself. I knew her story, I know she kissed a girl when she was drunk and in a relationship, I know she questioned her sexuality before, I know she had been in countless relationships that didn't work out. And finally she told the world she is bisexual. I guess my reaction was like her dad's, I didn't suspect it but I wasn't surprised when I learned of it.
Watch the video here if you're interested: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IiF8VqO0q_M
(to be continued...)
Let's start from the very beginning. When I was 17 or 18, a classmate asked me, "Do you think gender is a social construct or inborn?" At that time, my mind worked in very straightforward, rigid ways. By that time I think I had read a Nature article on homosexuality and chromosomes. Apparently they found differences in the chromosomes of homosexuals and heterosexuals. Of course gay people were born gay and straight people were born straight, I thought. Also I wasn't raised particularly girly; I was allowed to love blue, play with Lego and not wear dresses. I had really short hair till I was 12. And I ran faster than most of the boys in primary school. Yet I still identified as a straight female. So obviously I said "inborn" without thinking twice. I was in the triple science class, my strongest subjects were mathematics and physics. But I was not a cold-hearted person; it was the year I turned vegan, it was the period when I was trying my best for the General Paper and learning more about the world and its issues. When I look back on that time of my life, it was the time when the most things were happening in my life. Three physically competitive CCAs, my OG mates somehow convinced me to participate in Odyssey of the Mind (it was not glorious), and I was juggling my 12AU subject combination. Things just came one right after the other. And that was just how my mind worked as well. It was a single track railway, going from this station to the next, focussing on one thing before moving to the next. Also one important thing to note, I'm a very stubborn person. Nope I'm not a Taurus, but if I think a certain way, I'd get pretty upset arguing with another person who had a different set of ideologies.
The friend who asked me the question was doing it "survey-style", so no arguments were involved. And because it was "survey-style", I got to learn about what other people thought as well. It might have been because there were differing opinions and I didn't get to argue my stand and try to convince others to have the same point of view as I had, that made me think further on my own regarding this issue.
JC was the time I started hanging out with boys. Even though I came from a girls' school, I knew I was into boys. Come on, I was from a co-ed primary school. But I wasn't a rebellious kid. And I wasn't the rebellious teenager either. I was just too preoccupied with CCAs and school to go out often with friends and all that lol. I know what a crush feels like. I've had my heart beat like crazy and my cheeks feel hot and numb. And it never happened towards girls. I knew so strongly I was straight. But I kept thinking what it felt like to be on the other side. What did it feel like to be gay? I would never know because I am not.
I hung out with boys as friends. Through all the teasing and gossips, we remained friends. Even with boys I openly and embarrassingly shared my feelings with, we remained friends. Maybe through this period I honed the skill of keeping myself and my male friends within the friend zone. Friends studied together, ate together and watched movies together. No, nothing physical. I was quite the conservative prude. Duh, there were no "friends with benefits" going on either haha.
One time when I was hanging out with one of my male friends, we touched on the topic of sexuality. I asked him how he knew he was straight (he was a hunky dude). For me, this concept had been quite vague. What makes us straight or gay or bisexual? If you were to ask a layman, you'd probably get something along the lines of "if you're attracted to the opposite sex, you're straight. If you're attracted to the same sex, it means you're gay. If you're attracted to both it means you're bi." If it really were so simple, how come I'm not attracted to every man I see? What if a girl looked like a man with features I'm attracted to, and I didn't know she was a girl? Does that make me straight or gay or bi? He admitted it wasn't such a simple issue.
Going on to Uni, I hadn't figured it out. It wasn't like I kept thinking about it though. But it was there, just an issue to ponder and not to solve. I was probably more concerned about where I was going with veganism. But hanging out with the boys continued, and I'd have to say it was really nice to have close friends that didn't hurt your feelings. And it was even better when there were intellectual discussions. You know how people vibe off one another? Others won't get it- we were probably so boring to other people. So anyway, during one of our one-on-one dinners, my male friend asked me if I thought gender was a spectrum. My mind hadn't bent that much even though I was already with the contemporary dance group in Uni. Gender to me was Straight or Gay (I was probably toying with this idea at that time- you either liked girls or guys only- and rejected Bisexualism). I didn't get the idea of polyamory, what the heck was pansexualism? If I love something/ someone, I'm gonna use all my energy to love that one thing/ person to bits. What do you mean there's still space for more? If I can't use all my energy then, to me, it's just not love. Says the person who did three CCAs. I was literally being promiscuous with the things I called my passions.
It does explain why I never pursued any of those CCAs further though. They were like those 8-9 year relationships that turned into friendships. Maybe I was just forcing myself to love them or make them my passion. What made things worse was that I was relatively good at them. It's like how some people get comfortable within a relationship. But eventually felt like they weren't progressing.
This morning I watched a video by Anna Akana. It was her coming out video. Sooooo many youtubers had come out of the closet online and it wasn't really something I wanted to watch anymore. But it was Anna. I couldn't help myself. I knew her story, I know she kissed a girl when she was drunk and in a relationship, I know she questioned her sexuality before, I know she had been in countless relationships that didn't work out. And finally she told the world she is bisexual. I guess my reaction was like her dad's, I didn't suspect it but I wasn't surprised when I learned of it.
Watch the video here if you're interested: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IiF8VqO0q_M
(to be continued...)
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