That lonely feeling
I just realised how long I take to open up to people. For a while I always thought once I started talking to someone, I opened up. Because I always laugh (uncontrollably) at what they say or do. I really thought that meant I felt comfortable with them. But recently I've discovered laughing didn't mean anything. One, because I do that quite frequently, and two, because there are so many secrets that I don't share, even with my closest friends. Well, it could be a measure of how frequently I myself change- as in how I see a friend in being able to understand, keep a secret, etc, so that I feel safe enough to share a part of my vulnerability. At the moment I believe it is.
That's why I see myself as an anti-social being. I do talk to people and care about my friends. BUT I don't hang out with them that much. I don't hug them that much. I don't console them as much as I should when they're not feeling fine. (maybe through sms/ social sites tho since I feel more courageous). I am almost always the passive one. And when I am, I feel like kicking myself ): This uncourageous part of me makes me so ashamed. Even when I write this down, it feels stupid- how much courage do you need to console someone? To just say cheer up? But it is the truth- I'm not brave enough to say it to that person's face.
There was once I said to my friends that "sticks and stones can break my bones but words can never hurt me" is true. I really believed in it then because I thought I could live without anything. No family no friends. Yet as the time to check into hall draws nearer, I feel more and more afraid because my family mountain isn't gonna be there all the time to give me the comfort and warmth that I am so accustomed to. And I am afraid of not being able to find good friends in my hall. I am afraid that history would repeat itself again. Like in P6 and J2. (that's why I really miss my time in ny). I know emotional hurt can be serious but I never expected it would affect me this much. I know I'm able to block it out. But I don't want to keep ignoring it. I don't want this ignorance is bliss thing.
My thoughts had wandered quite a bit last week...and I've been thinking about a friend...and I really miss that person a lot): I still wonder what I did to make you give me the cold shoulder, which also made me confused/ a little angry when you held my hand when we went up the stage because I thought then that you were hypocritical. Now I know that it was actually a chance that we could have made up. How I hope we were still good friends.
How I hope I'm able to change myself.
I know I can.
TTFN
That's why I see myself as an anti-social being. I do talk to people and care about my friends. BUT I don't hang out with them that much. I don't hug them that much. I don't console them as much as I should when they're not feeling fine. (maybe through sms/ social sites tho since I feel more courageous). I am almost always the passive one. And when I am, I feel like kicking myself ): This uncourageous part of me makes me so ashamed. Even when I write this down, it feels stupid- how much courage do you need to console someone? To just say cheer up? But it is the truth- I'm not brave enough to say it to that person's face.
There was once I said to my friends that "sticks and stones can break my bones but words can never hurt me" is true. I really believed in it then because I thought I could live without anything. No family no friends. Yet as the time to check into hall draws nearer, I feel more and more afraid because my family mountain isn't gonna be there all the time to give me the comfort and warmth that I am so accustomed to. And I am afraid of not being able to find good friends in my hall. I am afraid that history would repeat itself again. Like in P6 and J2. (that's why I really miss my time in ny). I know emotional hurt can be serious but I never expected it would affect me this much. I know I'm able to block it out. But I don't want to keep ignoring it. I don't want this ignorance is bliss thing.
My thoughts had wandered quite a bit last week...and I've been thinking about a friend...and I really miss that person a lot): I still wonder what I did to make you give me the cold shoulder, which also made me confused/ a little angry when you held my hand when we went up the stage because I thought then that you were hypocritical. Now I know that it was actually a chance that we could have made up. How I hope we were still good friends.
How I hope I'm able to change myself.
I know I can.
TTFN
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