Cry me a river

It's times like this I'm reminded of how much I hate human interaction, and yet I also realize how much I need human interaction. You know how some people don't speak the same language and yet understand each other, yet there will be those who speak the same language perfectly but will never ever understand each other. It is precisely because they speak the same language and can communicate and argue, which is why it creates a false sense of understanding and eventually leads to a breakdown in communication. No matter how you try to explain, emotions end up getting in the way and there is no way of communicating, which leads to disconnection. It's this disconnection that makes one feel so violated. There is just no longer a point in communicating because no one is willing to listen. Deep down the root cause is probably a difference in values and priorities. Like some people would spend money on experiences, while I spend money on food. Neither is wrong, but travelling together wouldn't be enjoyable since we don't like to do the same things, we don't want the same things.

Because there is no way to talk things out, I end up bottling up feelings. I yearn for human interaction because it is a chance to release these emotions, yet even with technology, there is no way to release except for blogging. At least blogging helps to keep feelings tangible, palpable and more manageable. Otherwise it would just end up like a huge cloud over my head and a tight chest. How pathetic. Surrounded by friends and family yet not being able to share anything to help remove the stone over my chest. It is times like this I don't want to live till 100. I probably won't anyway after so many sleepless nights. 

Don't say a word when we are overwhelmed with emotions. Because maybe what we say ends up becoming true. Even if it were just said in anger. That's how the universe works. We hear the words and end up believing them. "No one needs anyone." Perhaps believing these words makes life so much easier, because we know not to depend. Dependency ends up causing more hurt because we trusted and yet the other party let us fall. Not just in the sense of life responsibilities, but in the sense of emotional protection. We once trusted the other to listen and understand and yet those are taken for granted. We say it hurts and yet the other continues to do what they do, as though pain does not actually exist. We say stop, once, twice, thrice till it's too late. Bloodshed happened once but it is all forgotten too early. That's why better to keep a distance than to be sorry later on. 

Yes I will believe I don't need anyone. At least not the people who would hurt me without even realising. That's just too risky. Their lives go on and I'd just be dead in the gutter and no one would even find me. It's not like I regret anything, but we have to just move on to the next stage of life and figure out what's best for us. The same issues just keep coming up because they were never fixed, just shoved under the rug. One interprets the issue in one way, the other in a different way. Insults one time too many. Annoyance. Not just personal insults, but insults towards family members and offences taken at every gathering. Never-ending drama. Mountains out of molehills. Judgements at every meet-up.

When can a simple meeting be just what it is, a simple meeting, instead of being a test of character?

TTFN~